‘Soft domming’ is growing in popularity as men say they’re tired of steering the ship

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One Saturday night in September, as I was half-watching a cooking show and half-scrolling on my phone, a request from a client named Iain landed in my inbox (after a night at the bar, no doubt).

He was 32 and single, a city-based digital executive, who wanted something a little… different.

As a dominatrix of 30 years, I’m well-versed in men asking to be shouted at, insulted, or put in their place. But Iain didn’t want to be humiliated, degraded, or made to feel small. Instead, he asked if I could be firm but kind. Confident, yet reassuring.

He’d just received a promotion, which left him anxious and suffering from imposter syndrome. So, he wanted to be told he was doing well. He wanted structure, calm authority — and, at the end, a few kind words before I sent him back on his way.

In short, he wanted to be dominated. But softly. It’s what we in the industry refer to as “soft domming.”

If you think domination is all latex, cruelty, and barked orders — a kind of angry aerobics — you’re not alone. That’s the stereotype most people absorb from pop culture: kink as something harsh, extreme, and vaguely alarming.

In fact, I’d estimate that a third of men who contact me now explicitly ask for this dynamic — around 30 clients a week, compared to virtually none back in 2023.

This “soft dom” style of dominance isn’t about pain or humiliation. It’s about reassurance, praise, and emotional containment. I’m asked to be decisive, calm, and in control — but also warm and maternal.

It’s a far cry from all the clichés. And it didn’t come out of nowhere.

The men making these requests are often exhausted. Many are in their thirties, forties, and fifties. They’re juggling work pressures, financial stress, family responsibilities, and a constant low-level sense of inadequacy.

The pandemic didn’t create this stress, but it certainly sharpened it. Add a cost-of-living crisis and a dating culture that leaves many people feeling disposable, and it’s easy to see why being told “you’re enough” has erotic appeal.

I guess what might surprise some is that this still counts as domination.

In traditional narratives, domination is assumed to mean aggression, while softness is equated with submission. But dominance is never about cruelty — it’s about responsibility.

It’s about holding authority, making decisions so someone else doesn’t have to. For men who spend their lives expected to cope, perform, and lead, the chance to hand over control — without being shamed for it — can be profoundly relieving.

Over the past year or two, I’ve noticed a clear shift in the requests I receive. Increasingly, men aren’t asking to be broken down. Instead, they want to be held together.

So far, it’s only men requesting this. Female clients usually just want a giggle, some lighthearted play. But many of the men I speak to say they feel there’s very little space for vulnerability in their everyday lives.

They’re either expected to be stoic or emotionally fluent in a way that still doesn’t quite land. In a soft dom dynamic, they don’t have to explain themselves. They can simply exist, knowing someone else is steering the ship.

That sense of rest is key. Reassurance has become the latest taboo fantasy. I’m not pretending to be a therapist, but I am providing something that resembles emotional safety. Increasingly, that’s what people want: not excess, but respite.

In that sense, some sex workers are filling gaps left by overstretched mental health services, rigid ideas of masculinity, and relationships that don’t always allow men to be uncontained.

This challenges the idea that kink is inherently extreme or damaging. In fact, when done consensually and thoughtfully, it can be one of the few spaces where people negotiate their needs clearly.

Boundaries are discussed. Expectations are explicit. Aftercare — the process of checking in afterward — is normalized. In a world where emotional communication is often vague or awkward, kink can be oddly precise.

Of course, not every request is this gentle, and not every client wants reassurance. But the trend is noticeable enough that it feels like a cultural shift, not a coincidence.

We’re living through a period of collective burnout. Work bleeds into home. Bad news is constant. Social media keeps everyone slightly on edge. Against that backdrop, fantasies are adapting. People aren’t reaching for more intensity in their downtime, but containment.

A month after he sent his email, I finally met Iain. He wanted me to role-play as his aunt. An aunt with firm, exacting standards, whom he’d disappointed; who needed to punish him while reassuring him it was entirely for his own good, would build character, and that he would still be loved afterward.

He left the details to me. I imagined he’d cut short a cross-country adventure to get into a bit of mischief behind the bins. The specifics didn’t matter. The sensations and feelings did. I spanked him for an hour, gently but firmly, whispering words of reassurance throughout.

Afterward, Iain was quiet for a moment, then visibly lighter. He told me he hadn’t realized how tense he’d been until the tension was gone. The most meaningful part, he said, wasn’t the spanking itself but being reassured — being told what was happening, why, and that he was still fundamentally good.

He described it as comforting rather than arousing in the conventional sense and said he slept better that night than he had in weeks.

The idea that dominance can be nurturing still surprises people, but perhaps it shouldn’t. Intimacy doesn’t always look like passion.

Sometimes, it looks like someone else taking the weight for a while.

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‘Soft domming’ is growing in popularity as men say they’re tired of steering the ship

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